The Eggshell Layer

Chronic hypervigilance and our inherent inconvenience (day 61 of 100 days of writing)

I can see my reflection on the computer screen as I type. A strikingly tender background to the formulation of my thoughts.

I see a woman learning how to return to her center and leave it less frequently. I see a woman scorned by hypervigilance and shaped by a desire to serve. I see a woman who has moved from being fed up with her own shit into a season of alchemical power.

Years of hypervigilance has led to one of the most profound realizations I’ve had in a long time.

I constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells… and I’m the one laying them out.

Each eggshell an illusory barrier to being burdensome.

If I place them, I won’t have to suffer the discomfort of others formulating boundaries against me. If I do not disturb the peace, I will always be likeable. If I’m careful enough, I will always be seen as I wish to be seen. If I’m never inconvenient, I will always belong.

That’s the thinking at least. And this thinking has cost me. A lot. It feels like the root of chronic tension and inflammation. It feels like dis-ease.

I have tolerated, accepted, forgiven, and even admired the inconvenience others seem to unabashedly display. Whenever I encounter someone who is chronically late, loud, uncommunicative, and in the way, I naturally feel irritated but there’s also a sense of freedom that I envy.

I never let myself be an inconvenience.

But aren’t humans inherently a bit inconvenient? From birth, we are inconvenient. We are these wiggly, helpless little beings who fully rely on the care of others.

I’m sure most parents would argue that caring for their child is purely a gift and an honor, which I respect, and also squint an eye at because I also don’t know a single parent who hasn’t been, if even briefly, run ragged by their child, whether it’s a long night of crying, an ungodly dirty diaper, or their unwillingness to eat their dinner… they’ve been inconvenienced many times.

But just as a parent welcomes the inconvenience of their child, perhaps we can embrace the occasional inconvenience of others and our own inherent convenience… perhaps I can embrace my own.

Perhaps I can begin to gather proof that I am still lovable, can still belong, and still be liked even when I let myself soften into inconvenience.

And surely, by allowing myself to be inconvenient, I will feel the sting of someone’s disappointment eventually (that’s mostly what I’m avoiding in the first place). Perhaps I can let this build my tolerance for discomfort and foster a new kind of resilience. And perhaps I will realize that even the most intricate eggshell laying will not protect me from others viewing me through their own tinted lens that may still carry stains of annoyance, distaste, and disappointment. The lens others peer through is so far beyond my control, the eggshells begin to lose their glimmer entirely.

As I’ve written about before… we need each other. And because we need each other, we will naturally inconvenience the people we keep. Being in community, being a parent, loving a partner, having a family, and being a friend is not always convenient. Sometimes it is hard. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do, like pick someone up from the airport, leave the party early, miss something we want to go to, tend to illness, and set our opinions aside. But the gift of that inconvenience is connection (which we need… did I say that already?).

And perhaps the gift of allowing myself to be occasionally inconvenient is a deeper connection with myself.

No eggshell can compare to the priclessness of that.